I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
