I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
