Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
