So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
