The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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