So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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