dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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