I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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