I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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