I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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