my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
