you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
