Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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