I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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