it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
