Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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