these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
