i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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