You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
