Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
