Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
