I was born with a shot glass in my hand
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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