Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
