I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
