I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
