I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
