Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
