my phone needs a breathalizer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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