The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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