My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
