I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
