he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
