i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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