He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
