So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
