why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
