She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
