Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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