At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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