I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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