Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
