I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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