Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
