apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They took my balls.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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