sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
