One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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