I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
