youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
