Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize