found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
