K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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