dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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