he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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