I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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